when i die...

some words, whisper slowly in my ears
and I couldn’t find what kept me there
Everybody there, but I was alone, I was unusual

The love, hate, sadness, happiness, fights, arguments
I`ve passed through…
All that life was feeling worthless and bare
And I didn’t evn mind, that im no more breathing...
do I look beautiful…or not
I feel good that on one gona chase me here

I knew that’s the only relief of my soul
Which been paining so long there

When I die

I was so hollow inside
like i was forgetting myself totally…
I wanted my soul exists not anymore
All I did, all I had, that was enough

I don’t contain the power, to clear myself once again
I was not happy alive, but afraid to die
I was prayerful always to vanish like burning ashes in the air, atleast after I die
But im afraid myself once again to justify

The tears were frost, when I wanted to cry
My voice was like block, as to scream I try
I could feel my blood getting dry
And that’s something one cannot modify

I know you were there, just next to me
watching me, wanting me
I can feel you try to pull me down
Fearing me, loving me
But it won't let you pull me down, how desperately u try…

Hunting you, and i could sense you alive placed with me
Your hand pounding in my head
I knew, you wanted just to drag me back to world,
somehow to revise all

Tearing for me, pull me down
I know you were there, watching me, needing me
you wanted me to rid of that white gown
but It won't let you pull me down

I am...not me

Im not that, how it seems
I feel skin deep of me somewhere…
i count on the make-up to cover it all fear on my face
Crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention, breathing
thought i could be strong
but life is hard and it's killing me

someone hear my cry?
that how I'm dying for each new day of life
I don’t know how would i…but everyone wants me to stay just beautiful, clean
Just want to be worthy of love, so beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone, other than me
not like fighting to make the mirror happy, everytime
and trying to find whatever is missing inside of me

I don’t want anyone just step inside my heart, and see how im scared, alone
even I've been watching myself from distance
The distance sees through so many masks on my face
and I try to find my real face of them…everytime
that’s the feeling, enough to heal my soul

I keep myself in dark…dark as I couldn’t feel myself there…
Where no one cares, who im, how do I look…

somehow it matters more to me , to feel in disturbing everything around me…
I'll endure my sufferings, place onto me the burden everytime in my mind

My real face blurring, now can’t even inhale the air behind so many covers on it
Pushing it to deadly poison and darkness in my world of shines…
Im desperate, to see myself once without these wrappers…

Perhaps, this life like nightmares
Everything there, but nothing
live beside a person, who never noticed how miserable my life
but I live through him
and I want to live with him…but other way

so what if im not happy alive?

All of my hate cannot be found
There is one, can try to tear me down

Shitt..this life`s thoughtless scheming but i will not be drowned
I can see my life screaming, but it can`t beat me to the ground

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down…

I wanted to see this world try to take a swing at me
but that`s gonna put my life in fantasy sound.

my childish fears trying to make fun of me, it takes turn lashing out at me
I want myself crying that may tears could pay for this life`s round…

All of my abhorrence, cannot be found
its difficult but I will not be drowned

All my dreams are died
They all screamed, and cried
Now, im thirsty, im tired.

now want to...

touch the sky, to feel that much high

let`s sleep

it is the break of day, and you'll have some things to say
but please Im fed up with telling fairy tales to me

So come alone, it wont be long to shut your eyes, with no lies
away from your conscious, get to sleep
Let's see what happened if just desert this day of hurts…

Let's not fight I'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?
Don't Turn away, it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around, i know we're lost but soon we'll be found

it's been rough but we'll survive
You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So let’s just sleep…
That’s the only way to get away is lie…this hurt

plunge

Its feels like this life is taking toll on im breathing
it’s not easy to hide my aggression to all because I have too small place to unfold.
Now i feel I've been lied just to be live unchained
I never felt this thing when I was too busy into put up my ways and now I feel that my ambition is nowhere in this world, I’ve Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

I've woken now just to breath and to find myself which I had misplaced somewhere in voyage of my life.
In the shadows of all I have created

you wont take me away from my madness, you will push me to craziness that I would be ready to kill myself…

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
when i look into myself, but my own heart has been vanished
I loathe all I've become…without any feeling
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

im threading my mind that tell me any thing what is right, what is wrong
I have been so suffered by these all complications…

That I cant live, cant die, have to listen the silence, try to see which is vanished, to find what is missing, to reach a place without ways, no embark upon.
Im scared that I will fall down in wearisome to fly

so keep away, from me…to take my hand that you may plunge with me, and I can hurt so much.

I am Alive..

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
I wish that i could just leave, but I cant cause my attendance still remains here
And it won't leave me alone, these are wounds won't seem to heal
im in pain is just too real, There's just too much hurts that time cannot erase
When i cried no-one to wipe away my tears…
When ever i screech, nobody there to fight away from my fears,
And no-one to held my hand through all of these years
but see, m still standing in swift blowing air

Even i used to captivate myself by my resonating light
I think I'm bound by the life i left behind
my face it haunts, after once pleasant dreams
my voice it chased away from all the sanity in me

My life has so much predicament and im trying to erase by passing time day by day..
But no one knows how much its panic without sustained.
i feel every time that im about to fall…
I know these all are my childish fears, because my attendance still remain here
And it won’t leave me alone; Evan how this pain is just too much real.
It has to be realized that there’s too much that time can not erase…
I know it’s too hard to get my life pleasure, my belief once again.
Here no-one is with me, I’ve been alone…all along

This life on sacrifices…

It's true that im a little insane but it's so painful that im not lucid unchained like a bird.
I know fear is only in my mind but see its taking me over all the time
Im like poor, sweet, innocent thing making dry my eyes and justify.
You know you all live to just break me and its funny that you don't deny,
I think my life is up to only sacrifices…

I feel like one day, I'm gonna forget my own name and one day im gonna drown in my lost pain
My fear taking me over all the time
And im alive just to sacrifice...

have u ever experience to dream in dark?
I do, so many nights that i sleep to die, erase and silence
like erasing my life

im like burning ashes blacken inside
im a world of nothingness blow me away to the life..

why you wonder if im not hating you?
its becoz I think im still too weak to survive my mistakes..

my dry eyes don't deny that its just a sacrifice..

tell me that how can I pretend that I don't see, what you hiding so carelessly?
I saw my self in the mirror, im bleeding, but you heard me breathing.
Im froze inside my self and turned away, It must be a dream.
We all live , We all die
That does not begin to justify you.
I think its not what it seems, not may what i think.
It's only in my mind that im afraid to die
even I know its not real life and I have to die.

my fear speaks wrong and all that can come true. Then we are searching for?
I know that im not so afraid to die as much from people around me. I feel that my death is not as much harmful as much you can damage me to live and do just sacrifice.
Then why I cant kill my self?

With Me..

Its seems like im too important for everyone
but that only my self knows what im, the one who cries alone
But where I shud go from here?
With no one left to save me from my own madness.
I feel I can’t escape…
i think that I can’t see right through my eyes, scared to death to face reality
and no one seems to hear my hidden cries, I’ve left my face alone
you know the truth?
I realize that im scared, but I can’t abandon everyone.
You don’t want to getaway from all this now
Though Im sick of speaking words that no one understands..

Is it clear enough that i can’t live my whole life, all alone?
There is always a person hold me so concealed when Im about to fall,
Who keeping me harmless, so covered…

and so hidden that I even can’t pick that out….
He is the one can hear me when i whisper, and others can’t even hear me screaming
And that is what I feel love about him.

Now I don’t wana hide from all of you…
I even not feeling free to breathe right now
The truth is….
I can’t reject the whole world which I wish I could.
And I have to overtake my all life with one or no one!
Even I know im not in love with any one but my Allah given a unseen shield every time with me..
So that is what keeps me alive as yet..
Then why my mind doesn’t allow me to believe it? (I wish I could believe it)

Why..

Is it perfect by nature that all icons of self indulgence and its means just what we all need are more lies about this world?
It’s never been, and never will be finding out that why you feel no shame to see me. And why u always investigates things about me and I feel this sometimes I’ve got everybody fooled.

Look here I come now a place with bow down and stare in wonder, all of you will stands for me and say “Maryam you are the best”!! And I can read the bluffly tricks you tying to portrait on me.. so in that sense how can I love you?
when Im not pretending my feeling and reading about you, now i know everybody around making me fool like them…
its never been, and never will be shown why you don't feel shy to see me every time, and to speak about me and explore my thoughts on world…know how you've betrayed me?
and somehow I’ve got everyone fooled by me…

im scared now that without the mask where I’ll hide, I can't find myself because im lost in your lie…
i know the truth now and i know who you are…i don't love you anymore to say always lie about my beauty and about my good heart. I know that Im completely blank from inside. Not good neither bad.
I wish u could read my eyes like a book and I feel my breath like fresh air… im bushed to making myself a soulless doll for everyone. Im just like hanging in the middle of millions animals and want to touch me and bite me from anywhere… and im just helpless to move from my place right now!!
It’s never been and never will be understood that why you don’t feel awful to speak about me everytime and why making anecdotes about me if im out of home…
And why you don’t say front of me that what you believe about me as you trying to just catch me somehow…
Im just tired and breathless to live in imaginary life and to be a lie by myself, I just wana fly away one day from here to touch my finger to the moon light, so far away from this indulgence lies…
After I die, in the arms of an angle fly away from here may I’ll find some relieve there…

Fears...

I found always people try to cut me in to pieces, and wants me from somewhere… pulled me up so long that I could feel the heavens, pushing me up as much that i was breathing almost not, but they’d keep pressing me to die on the name of success, I always screaming, deceiving and bleeding for them and they still won't hear me. Now I don’t want anyone or anybody’s love…

now I don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself…
like that maybe I'll wake up for once non tormented daily defeated by them, Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom…
as I’m going under endless dark sea, drowning in you as I'm falling forever, I've got to break through this endless dark night…

I’m blurring and stirring between the truth and the lies, I don't know what's real what’s imaginary light, its always confusing the thoughts in my head, So I can't trust myself anymore…
that im alive or im dying again and falling in the continual night and I've got to break through this everlasting terrors…
so what’s to scream at me, now I'm so far away and I won't be broken again. I've got to breathe now; I can't keep falling like this because I'm dying again and again…

I'm going under the dark constant sea, drowning in painful dead I'm falling forever
I've got to break through this thread of my soul, I can’t keep effecting and bleeding like this…
Now im just gona sleep for long and maybe like this ill fly for once and I could touch the moon light…
I won’t bother then what happened down as long period of falling, darkness and pain…